Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
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[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.