I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
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“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
Yup!
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.