Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
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‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
road rage
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
Yup!
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?