Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
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If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
Perfect
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard