Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
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[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
Not today.. 😂
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why