Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
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Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
I’m ready for Halloween this year
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone