Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
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I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
for dessert we鈥檙e having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn鈥檛 laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
it鈥檚 called boxing because smash mouth was taken
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
When I tell prospective employers that I鈥檓 open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don鈥檛 have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
daughter: there鈥檚 a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 馃憤
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won鈥檛 cooperate because it鈥檚 too clean
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that鈥檚 how the car gets places
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don鈥檛 feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
[鈥鈥鈥鈥鈥鈥鈥鈥鈥鈥鈥鈥鈥鈥 Lego guy gang comin right at u
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown