Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
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If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
She was rare, like a goth jogging
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.