*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
You Might Also Like
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
So I’m trying to get my husband to go to Paris with me but so far my best argument has been, “I will kill you in your sleep.”
Dad I’m gay
*Dad rips newspaper*
I like guys dad
“Oh thank god. I thought you were happy for a second”
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm. That’s whey past my bedtime