@Dad_At_Law

Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.

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@BruceForce

*spreads rose petals on the bed*

[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”

@BatBatshitcrazy

Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.

@MariyaAlexander

Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.

@pleatedjeans

Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence

@LisaFarted

So I’m trying to get my husband to go to Paris with me but so far my best argument has been, “I will kill you in your sleep.”

@too_chihuahua

Dad I’m gay
*Dad rips newspaper*
“WHAT”
I like guys dad
“Oh thank god. I thought you were happy for a second”

@GroovyTasia

BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.

Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?

BFF: I hate you.

@jazmasta

My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm. That’s whey past my bedtime