@Piecezilla
Apologies your honor [slides ventriloquist dummy back under my seat] I was told these proceedings were going to be televised.
@stEPH_u_
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
You Might Also Like
@Piecezilla
@eileencurtright
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
@Jmboyd58
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
@VinnyPisciotta1
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
@ColdPetRat
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
@KielyHealey
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
@LeahsLounge
Her: Ok you hang up.
Him: No, you hang up first.
Her: No, you first.
Him: No, you first.
NSA: Both of you hang up.
@Marlebean
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
@KentWGraham
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
@MaraWritesStuff
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?