Apologies your honor [slides ventriloquist dummy back under my seat] I was told these proceedings were going to be televised.
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
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Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
Her: Ok you hang up.
Him: No, you hang up first.
Her: No, you first.
Him: No, you first.
NSA: Both of you hang up.
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?