Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
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I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
Happy Febuary everyone!
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf