Every parent who said “I’ll GIVE you something to cry about” was talking about 2024.
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Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
I ran into one of my students at the grocery store with some wine in my cart and he said “that’s because of us isn’t it?”
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day he checked the comments and replies, and got the idea for hell.
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL