Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
You Might Also Like
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
Every haunted house movie:
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.