Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
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When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance