[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
You Might Also Like
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.