Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
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General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.