My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
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if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
My blood type is b hungry.
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
iPhone X