Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
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*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*