Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
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Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
Pot warmers of the day.
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!