Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
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[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.