Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
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I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
I…do not understand how electricity works.
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair