Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
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I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.