Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
You Might Also Like
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go