@NickAmadeus

Every Ryan Gosling movie is about what would happen if a really weird guy was also incredibly attractive.

Every Ryan Gosling movie is about what would happen if a really weird guy was also incredibly attractive.

- @NickAmadeus

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@BevisSimpson

Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]

@oldmanweldon

I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.

@wolfpupy

at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations

@BonaFideIntent

HR:
Me:
HR:
Me:
HR: “..16. 16 STAPLES in Diane’s forehead…”
Me:
HR:
Me: “..it was the last twizzler”
HR:
Me:
HR:
Me: *eats twizzler*

@sweetandweak

Daughter just told me, “Dad, I don’t make sandwiches, I eat sandwiches.”

One day her picture will be on money.

@WilliamAder

I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.

@newLettuce

[1800s]

Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise

Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought

@cravin4

Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:

Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings

@GlumGeorgeLucas

“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.

How is that even science fiction?

They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”

@CornOnTheGoblin

[police sketch artist interrupts me again] ok now you’re definitely describing sonic the hedgehog