Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
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My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.