My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
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Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
Dance like you’re not the father
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.