EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
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me when the borders lift
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
Autocarrot sucks!
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
I think about this a lot
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
This rocks
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.