@AlexvanBeek

EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.

You Might Also Like

@PhriendlyCody

[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years

@deloisivete

When they talk about CIA on cooking shows

What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs

@MelvinofYork

The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”

@daemonic3

How do you stop a rhino from charging?

You take away its USB cable.

@AimeeHelene1

Would I miss my leg or my arm more?

(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)

@FuckabillyRex

If you’re the kinda person that gets antsy when people stand on an escalator instead of walking, try a blood curdling scream, they’ll move.

@abbycohenwl

My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target

@INeed_AnAdult

It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.

@JohnLyonTweets

Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.

Me: Thanks, you look good too.

@Halbeerz

Even if the vaccine doesn’t have a microchip I still want one. A microchip would just be a bonus.