[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
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When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
If you’re the kinda person that gets antsy when people stand on an escalator instead of walking, try a blood curdling scream, they’ll move.
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
Even if the vaccine doesn’t have a microchip I still want one. A microchip would just be a bonus.