EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
You Might Also Like
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
#NeverForget
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.