Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
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I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk