Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
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This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
huge valentines day plans this year!!
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence