every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
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Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
when mom throws a party…
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.