Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
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I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.