Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
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Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) thatâs bullshit
B) I probably shouldnât know this
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
Homeschooling isnât going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
Iâm excuse, whatâs your drunk
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldnât trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touchĂŠ…*mouth full of fries* touchĂŠ.
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they donât know itâs you
Queen Elizabeth dresses like sheâs about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyoneâs parents. Thatâs called âbusiness savvy.â
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight đ Congratulations England, richly deserved đđ˝đ #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats âfirst pee of the morningâ to her appointment tomorrow and I just haveâŚso many questions. First of all: how. SecondâŚwhat is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
Whereâs the lie? đ¤Łđ¤Ł
Parenting is cool because:
-itâs the hardest thing youâve ever done
-the stakes are the highest theyâve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-thereâs no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
You know youâre the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
âDonât bite the hand that feeds youâ maybe just donât bite hands. Shouldnât have to qualify it
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context Iâm 41 and a guest in their home).