Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
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Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
the chicken was already gone when I got here
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
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Personal question. #JustSaying
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
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Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.