@dreamthievin

Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.

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@goldengateblond

Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.

@Home_Halfway

ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us

~~The crew of the Apollo-G

@phaggots

“Paper or plastic?”

Sorry i have a boyfriend

“Thats cool, but how should i bag your grocer-”

I think we should just be friends

@BuckyIsotope

I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up

@Gelatin_Cyborg

Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”

@adult_mom

I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks

@NYC_Blonde

Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?