Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.

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HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.

ME: So I guess this is goodbye.


Based on his ability to hide poop, my cat would be the worst criminal of all time.


“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am


The best vacation? Close your eyes and throw a dart at a map. Where did it land? Doesn’t matter. Just keep your eyes closed and go to sleep.


Me: A bird just flew in the building.

CW: That means someone’s gonna die!

Me: *grabs letter opener


Me: I don’t make the rules Karen


Do not drink and drive..

because there are people out there who text and drive…

and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!


[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No


3 things that makes me stress:

• hot days
• annoying people
• stand close to annoying people in hot days


Husband said he didn’t like how something looked so I told him to stop looking at it. Marriage is easy