@dreamthievin

Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.

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@Jake_Vig

HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.

ME: So I guess this is goodbye.

@Cpin42

Based on his ability to hide poop, my cat would be the worst criminal of all time.

@House_Feminist

“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am

@jwoodham

The best vacation? Close your eyes and throw a dart at a map. Where did it land? Doesn’t matter. Just keep your eyes closed and go to sleep.

@Book_Krazy

Me: A bird just flew in the building.

CW: That means someone’s gonna die!

Me: *grabs letter opener

Her:

Me: I don’t make the rules Karen

@deLusticious

Do not drink and drive..

because there are people out there who text and drive…

and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!

@pleatedjeans

[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No

@Cryonius

3 things that makes me stress:

• hot days
• annoying people
• stand close to annoying people in hot days

@LaLa_Lyds

Husband said he didn’t like how something looked so I told him to stop looking at it. Marriage is easy