Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
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Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
And that about sums it up.
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.