Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
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Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.