Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
You Might Also Like
The legends speak of a third Duran…
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
They did not miss in the small print
every college guy’s fridge
#JohnTravolta
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie