Every store should have one line for people who have their shit together.

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Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*

Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!

Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?


Me: Omelette you eat now


[inventing worcestershire ?sauce]

Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.

Perrins: That might work.


Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?



“You’re like a brother to me”

First of all, I’m a Lannister


8 teens in the the garage. I hear the miter saw and drill going. I’m just going to sit back and let Darwin take care of things in there.


Chemistry, ok. But soulmates? You’d think if our spirits were perfectly matched, they’d be comfortable at the same thermostat setting.


If you are older than 17 and have mad love for Justin Bieber ,you are the reason whales are the most intelligent species.


[Commercial for hobbies]

Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.



The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”