Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
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[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
the last thing a carrot sees
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*