…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
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One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”