@visionbored2

every successful marriage consists of one person who will play board games with the kids and one person who values their sanity

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@evilbart24

Me after taking a million selfies and not looking good in any of them

@stephenjmolloy

Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”

Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”

@panmidwest

Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’

Me:

Friend:

Me: to what?

Friend:

@just1fool

I’d like to thank the spider that descended from the bill of my baseball cap for getting me motivated today.

@JRevard

If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex to move back in. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.

@nappydolemite

I just saw I bio that said, “22 and happily married,” and all I can think is hoo boy are YOU going to be in for a big surprise when you become an adult.

@jaggings

Welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous. I see a lot of new faces in the room this week and I’m very disappointed with all of you.

@Nikkeya08

“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”

Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?

@JRehling

Nobody in 1972 would have guessed that in 2014, Bill Cosby and Charles Manson would both be in the news, but Manson more favorably.

@xLiserx

Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.