every successful marriage consists of one person who will play board games with the kids and one person who values their sanity

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Me after taking a million selfies and not looking good in any of them


Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”

Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”


Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’



Me: to what?



I’d like to thank the spider that descended from the bill of my baseball cap for getting me motivated today.


If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex to move back in. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.


I just saw I bio that said, “22 and happily married,” and all I can think is hoo boy are YOU going to be in for a big surprise when you become an adult.


Welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous. I see a lot of new faces in the room this week and I’m very disappointed with all of you.


“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”

Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?


Nobody in 1972 would have guessed that in 2014, Bill Cosby and Charles Manson would both be in the news, but Manson more favorably.


Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.