Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
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Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.