Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
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Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
Bobby pin
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies