Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
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Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
wish me luck lads
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.