A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
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What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”