Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
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Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
When you can’t find your friend Neil