Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
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Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.