@wickedimproper

Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”

You Might Also Like

@Donna_McCoy

The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”

@Brianhopecomedy

“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”

*Kanye slowly sits down*

@_elvishpresley_

[at the hotel california]

me: i’d like to check out

desk clerk: alright, you’re all set

me: great, bye

desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave

me: then why did you let me check out

desk clerk: *shrugs*

@mommajessiec

Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.

Me: So you go back to the office for work.

Husband: And?

Me: And?

@KeetPotato

[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal

@ThaJawn

*takes a hit off the joint

*slowly exhales

Ahhhhhh

This is the best baked sale ever

“It’s a BAKE sale”

*exhales again

Tell me about it