@kelkulus

Every time God closes a door, he opens a window, thereby wasting electricity on air conditioning, causing climate change and dooming us all.

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@electrolemon

game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]

@usedwigs

Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.

@curiousteej

Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish

@Brampersandon_

[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us

@Dutch_50

“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???

@JasonLastname

Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: Like six carrot juices
Cop: Please step out of the hamster wheel

@kevinrowe1

My wife doesn’t mind me flirting with other women. She finds the rejection quite entertaining.

@Mom_Overboard

I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…

I never knew those were synonyms.

@BuckyIsotope

MAMA
Be quiet Freddie
JUST KILLED A MAN
As your lawyer I-
PUT A GUN AGAINST HIS HEAD
Just-
PULLED THE TRIGGER-
We plead guilty, Your Honor