game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
Every time God closes a door, he opens a window, thereby wasting electricity on air conditioning, causing climate change and dooming us all.
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Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: Like six carrot juices
Cop: Please step out of the hamster wheel
My wife doesn’t mind me flirting with other women. She finds the rejection quite entertaining.
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
Be quiet Freddie
JUST KILLED A MAN
As your lawyer I-
PUT A GUN AGAINST HIS HEAD
PULLED THE TRIGGER-
We plead guilty, Your Honor
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.