Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
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My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
The A string on my guit_r is flat
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
Punctuation Matters. Period.
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
Mad Max Arctic Road
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting