@MissHavisham

Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”

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@samalmightysam

The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.

@AbbieEvansXO

Him: [sneezes]

Germs: ATTACK!

Her: bless you

Germs: RETREAT RETREAT

@jtswhipped

I wonder what people with house phones posted on MySpace today?

@KKAlThani

*Knocks on door*
Hey open up. You didn’t reply to my last 43 texts & then you tweeted about a guy who keeps annoying you. You need help?

@Tharin_P

Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.

@ch000ch

(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight

@WheelTod

My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.

@gracearnprie

my mom used to watch jeopardy early on a different city’s channel so that when she would watch it w my dad later she’d know all the answers. she’s still never told him so he’s been under the impression that she’s a genius this whole time

@kittykaresless

Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired

@LeonEarlgrey

Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.